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ROBOTIC ARMS I have been a member of the church for my whole life and have actually never thought of some of the practices that we do until just recently. I think that is because there are many things that have been taught, or done for so long that we automatically take them for granted or do them out of reflex. One of the most important and probably most overlooked is our practice of sustaining people in the church, stake or ward. As I recall, the early church that Joseph Smith restored did everything by vote. If something needed to be done or approved, it was done by the vote of the people. We even saw this happen after his death when Brigham Young and Sidney Rigdon sought to be named as the guardian of the church and it was taken before the people. Since then we have established the doctrine of “robotic arms” as I would call them. It goes like this: We go to church and the person presiding will get up and release someone from the calling that they’ve been servi
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SCRATCH AND SNIFF I remember years ago when the “scratch and sniff” advertising first appeared; that it seemed pretty amazing. I think that if first started with either perfume or fabric softener. Back then you could scratch a certain spot on a page and it would give off a fragrance that you could smell or rub on your wrist and you would know what it would smell like on your own body. I thought that it was extremely amazing. But, it really wasn’t that great when you consider that it’s just a way of transference that was involved. That takes me to what is referred to as a Litmus Test. Originally designed as a way to test acidity, the term Litmus test is also known for being a decisively indicative test such as in the statement, “opposition to the nomination became a litmus test for political support of candidates.” Knowing that, I’ve decided to put both of the tests to the definition of what a prophet is. In doing that, I’ll refer back to a talk that was given by Apostl
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DOCTRINAL ANOMALIES Like I’ve stated before, I like the Primary organization. I like being there with the kids and watching their actions. I like watching the OCD kids try to keep to themselves, the ADHD kids try to be everybody’s friend or try not to be noticed, and the other kids try to be reverent. There are times though when all of them just get rowdy and the Sisters, God bless their souls, try to control them. It’s like controlling the bubbles of a soda pop after you’ve shaken it and cracked it open. Anyway, I’ve noticed some things in some of the songs that we sing and I’m wondering where it is that we get this stuff. One of the songs that I worry about is the song called Follow the Prophet. I know that it’s a popular song and it’s meant to channel a child’s mind towards a goal; and that is nice. It starts off with Adam and goes through Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Moses, Samuel, Jonah and then Daniel; where the chorus exhorts us to follow them and not go astray. My
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JALEPENO JELLY AND OTHER HOT STUFF AUTHORS NOTE: I had originally sent this story to a friend who reviewed it with his wife, and although he thought that it was funny, he said that it might be viewed as being degrading to women because of the way that it was originally written. And so in the spirit of repentance, I’ve changed the story to be a little more Johnny Lingoesque. Certainly nobody would be upset if it were that way. I remember one time when I was a primary teacher that I went into Primary sharing time and there was a new Primary Presidency. I know that this experience isn’t unique to me, because it has probably happened with many others. As I got myself and class organized I looked around and saw Sister Tencowwife and mentioned to myself that I didn’t know that she was now the new President in the Primary. I then saw Sister Nineandahalfcowwife and thought, “She’s the First Counselor?” I then looked at the Second Counselor and Secretary, Sister Ninecowwife, and S
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LIKENING OURSELVES UNTO ERRONEOUS DOCTRINE I’m writing this note to get your opinion. Not that I value it, but that by you writing it will make you complicit with me. It’s always nice to have an accomplice as there’s always enough blame to go around. In the Book of Mormon we always read about the Lamanite stripling warriors, and we sing in the song, “We have been taught in our youth.” So we can be as the army of Helaman, yada, yada. Anyway, my point is that they were taught by their mothers many things that would keep them safe and to not fear or doubt. So, as you know, I served two 5 year hitches in the Nursery and it was always good to see our little three year olds become toilet trained and leave to go into the Junior Primary. It’s like a little fledgling falling out of the nest and learning to fly or die when they hit the ground. I know that some of them were probably disillusioned when they got to the Primary because we raised them on treats and they were probably th
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NURSERY CLASS OR THE DOCTRINE OF PAWNING OFF THE KID One of the greatest blessings is that of being a Nursery Leader. It’s the rare calling in the church that gives you a break from going to a boring class and sleeping through two hours of lesson material, that is very seldom prepared, and not really doctrinally sound. I think that if statistics were known, most of the teachers will hit the church’s website within 15 minutes of the time that they’ll leave to go to church and print off a lesson for the day. That’s probably why, whenever I tried doing it, the servers are crammed and slowed down so badly that I found that it was better to go online 20 minutes prior to going to church. Just kidding. My wife and I were once Nursery leaders and were tasked with the opportunity of tending those young’uns who were between 18 months old and 3 years old. This is the age where they’re still a little bit clingy and don’t want to leave mom, but then again they want to play with toys for
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The Doctrine of ROSHAMBO

THE DOCTRINE OF ROSHAMBO I realize that nobody but me likes Primary, but I really do. I guess that it really started years ago when I was a Priest, and back then there were assignments made to bless the sacrament and pass it to the kids in the primary. It seems to me that we did it twice every Sunday; once in sacrament meeting and the other time in Primary. Anyway, I would sit there as an example to the kids and everybody else in the room and do my part to keep the reverence and solemnness of the occasion. This thought leads me to many years later when I was married and some of the oldest boys were in the CTR class that I was teaching. We’d go to sharing time and be singing songs and listening to the messages taught when one of the kids, normally one of the young girls in the class sitting next to us would fall asleep and start to nod off. I’d keep my eye on her and whenever she’d start to fall on the floor I’d slip over to her and pick her up and go back to my seat and sit
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Welcome Friends, Romans and Countrymen

LEND ME YOUR EARS Ok, they’re really not musings, contemplations or anything like that, but every now and then I have the opportunity to do some thinking and sometimes I write my thoughts down. I want to tell any reader of this writing what it is, and what it is not. That seems to be thing that I need to do. What it is: Idle ramblings, incoherent thinking, bad grammar, misspellings, lightheartedness, some serious reflection, not so serious reflection, sleep walking, ghost writing, name calling, finger pointing, finger painting, climbing to the summit of Mt. Everest, going into the Marianas Trench, chasing theory, casting aside all doubt, doubting Thomas, walking on the moon, a trip to Disneyland, sunbathing on a tanning bed, learning how to ride a bicycle, carving a pumpkin, doing laundry, ironing underwear, heart palpitations, a good pizza, a great date, a fast car, a comfy chair, a Magic 8 Ball telling me what to do, Rock Paper Scissors, a warm bagel. What it is not:
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