JALEPENO JELLY AND OTHER HOT STUFF


AUTHORS NOTE: I had originally sent this story to a friend who reviewed it with his wife, and although he thought that it was funny, he said that it might be viewed as being degrading to women because of the way that it was originally written. And so in the spirit of repentance, I’ve changed the story to be a little more Johnny Lingoesque. Certainly nobody would be upset if it were that way.


I remember one time when I was a primary teacher that I went into Primary sharing time and there was a new Primary Presidency. I know that this experience isn’t unique to me, because it has probably happened with many others. As I got myself and class organized I looked around and saw Sister Tencowwife and mentioned to myself that I didn’t know that she was now the new President in the Primary. I then saw Sister Nineandahalfcowwife and thought, “She’s the First Counselor?” I then looked at the Second Counselor and Secretary, Sister Ninecowwife, and Sister Secondninecowwife and thought, ‘this is like a beauty contest with the winner and the three runners up.’ Is this what heaven is like? I then made it my goal not to miss Primary sharing time anymore.


I think that I know what it’s like to be married to any one of them because I’ve been fortunate to be married to a woman who’s been, is, and will always be a knockout. That would mean that she’s really good looking and has always made men’s heads turn.


It got me to thinking about a conversation that I had one time with my wife in church that I will call, “What if.”


It goes like this. I would ask my wife “What if you passed away and I were to choose my wife from some of the women in the ward, would it be OK if I chose…………so, and so.” So I looked around the ward and chose about 5 of the best looking women that I could and said, “How about Sister Nineandaquartercowwife? She always comes dressed to kill, would she be ok?”
Or, ”How about Sister Tencowwife?” She’s only about 5’4” with looks to kill. And like Sister Nineandaquartercowwife, looks good in anything.


Without so much as a peep from her I said, “Now Sister Tencowplus wife?” She works out and always looks good. She makes her husband look as though he’s the Wisest Man in Babylon to have married her. There was still no response from number one wife.
There was one more, a Sister Tencowwife2, and since I was at the end of the choosing period my wife said, “I have narrowed it down to two.”
At that point I’m thinking that I’ve got it made, because two of the five isn’t bad at all. I’m now starting to believe in polygamy.


She said, “If I die before you do you have my permission to marry Sister Onecowwife and Sister Halfcowwife.” She didn't even need to point out who she was referring to.


What? What kind of an answer was that? Even Johnny Lingo got an eightcowwife and he was the sharpest trader in the south pacific. This would make me look like one of the worst traders!


Since my first wife didn’t give the consent that I needed, I don’t believe in polygamy anymore. And now I don’t want to get remarried, and I’m thinking that living a life of celibacy might be a good thing.


I’ve decided that if she dies before I do that I’ll buy a fancy sports car.


About the Jalapeno Jelly; we got some for Christmas and it was tasty.

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